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{For Amy}
A Christmas Crossover

Vash was dead; that must be made clear. The nurses who checked for his pulse said that he was, so did the doctors who examined his pupils. Even the technicians who scanned his brain for any possible signs of life were in agreement; the man was dead. And once the death certificate had been signed by none other than Roderich Edelstein there was no doubt to be had, Vash Zwingli was as dead as a dodo.

Perhaps I am over emphasising Vash’s deceased state, but the point must be established. If Mr Zwingli were in fact not dead, then the rest of the fantastic and wonderful things that occur in this tale would not have happened. Indeed there would not even be a tale!

The man at the centre of these incredible happenings was the afore-mentioned Mr Roderich Edelstein. He and Mr Zwingli were partners in business for god knows how many years. Roderich had been Vash’s chief and only mourner. And not even he had been particularly saddened by the event, for even then, business was his chief concern and he had ensured the funeral had been arranged at bargain prices.

Roderich had not bothered to update their webpage and, seven years later, the firm was still registered as Edelstein and Zwingli. Newer customers were never entirely sure if Roderich was Mr Edelstein or Zwingli, for he answered to both, it didn’t bother him.

And what a skinflint Roderich was! A miser! A cheapskate! He was a cold, cruel man who never brought anything for ten if he could have it for nine-fifty. Never threw away anything if he could help it. His clothes were ragged and threadbare from so much mending. His hair was lank and his skin pasty, for he hid from the sun as if he considered it his natural enemy. Shopkeepers not did ask how he had been doing when he went to buy his groceries; people on the bus did not ask him for the name of the next stop; and even the guide dogs upon sighting him would lead their owners to the other side of the street, they knew that it did not take eyes to see the coldness that radiated from this man’s presence. Roderich did not care. He had no wish to associate with these earthly people with their human weaknesses. He was alone, and that was the way he liked it!

One day on a Christmas Eve just like any other you and I have known, the weather as cold as the people were merry. Everybody hurried through the streets with their hands buried in woolly gloves, thinking only of seeing their families and loved ones on the morrow. Eyes brightened even as darkness fell, for the night meant that Christmas would come all the sooner! A fog set in, barely masking the excitement of thousands of workers hurrying homewards after a long day’s work.

Through all this Roderich’s office sat open. He worked at his desk, keeping one eye on the mirror he’d placed there to ensure that his clerk was not neglecting the stacks of papers before him. They only had a small heater in the office. So small that it could barely heat its immediate surroundings, let alone the whole office. The clerk, who was wearing a knitted cardigan and fingerless gloves over his office wear, could be seen trying to scoot closer and closer to the heater without actually leaving his desk.

Presently there was a knock at the office door and a young woman entered.
“Merry Christmas Uncle Roddy” called the woman. She was a pretty young thing, with bright blond hair worn in a bob and a sweet merry voice. She was not in fact Roderich’s niece, but she had known him for so long and he had so often been seen with her deceased uncle Vash, that it had seemed only natural to consider him her uncle too.
“You are no niece of mine, go away Lilian!” replied Roderich.

Lilian had walked quickly to Roderich’s office and the combination of frosty air and exercise had brightened her eyes and reddened her cheeks quite attractively.

“Is that how you treat all your customers Uncle?” She replied cheerfully, for she was too used to Roderich to be upset by his appalling manners “I should wonder how you have any clients left if you did”.

“You are not a client, you are a nuisance. And a poor one at that” said Roderich, for he really was a very rude man.
“That may be so, but I still have an invitation that I hope a rich old man like you will accept” returned Lilian easily “I was hoping you would come and spend Christmas day with my husband and some our friends. We would really like you to come, it’s not a very large gathering, so you needn’t feel shy.”

“Christmas!” barked Roderich with real venom in his voice “What’s Christmas but a day wasted. A bank account emptied on foolish trinkets. A petty excuse for missing work, and not a cent earned all day! Any fellow who goes about with Merry Christmas on his lips should be stuffed in his own goose. He should!”

“Uncle!” chastised Lilian

“Niece!” mocked Roderich “Keep Christmas your way, and allow me to keep it in mine.”

“But you don’t keep it at all!”

“Then leave me alone then.”

“But Uncle Roddy” persisted Lilian “Christmas is a time for family. A time for forgiveness and charity. It is a day when we can put aside our own wants and take joy in giving to others. You may not approve of Christmas uncle, but I believe even without monetary profit that it has done the world of good for me and I say God bless it!”

At this point the clerk who had been listening to every word burst out into spontaneous applause, only to be silenced a moment later with a glare from his employer.

“A fine speech, maybe I’ll be seeing you in the law courts” replied Roderich sarcastically, for that was the only suitable comeback he could think of for his niece’s eloquence.

“But why Uncle? Why do you shut yourself in away from the world when Donny and I would be more than happy to have you?” asked Lilian.

“Why did you get married?”

“Because we fell in love.”

“Because you fell in love” mocked Roderich. “Such sentimental feelings do not belong in my office. Good morning Lilian”

“Very well uncle” replied Lilian “but I do hope you’ll reconsider. Merry Christmas! And Merry Christmas to you Arthur.”

“Merry Christmas!” replied the clerk with a modest wave.

“And a Happy New Year!” called out Lilian as she left the office. She was not at all angry with her uncle, reflecting tolerantly that he was a silly old miser who didn’t know what fine company he was missing out on.

Poor Roderich had barely focused his attention back to his work when a knock on the office door sounded again and a man and a woman entered. The man’s hair was longer than Roderich could decently tolerate and he had tied it back in a ponytail. The woman had a rather alarming sense of fashion and was wearing an outrageous winter skirt with ponies embroidered on it. They were both carrying collecting tins.

“This is Edelstein and Zwilingi” the man asked rhetorically “Are you Mr Edelstein or Mr Zwelingi?”

“Mr Zwilingi has been dead for exactly seven years to the day” replied Roderich.

“Oh, how unfortunate” answered the man. An awkward silence followed.

“Well that is like, all the better to make a donation in his memory” continued the woman. At the mention of donation Roderich scowled. “That, like, at this time of year, when it’s like, cold and everything” continued the woman undeterred “We like to make some provisions for the refugees and the homeless. You know, bring a little festive cheer into their lives. Like, so many of them cannot afford a pudding, or even the heating bill. Would you like to bring some joy to another person’s life? Every little bit helps.”

“Are there no prisons?” asked Roderich

“Well yes, but-” began the man

“Are there no deportation camps?”

“There are, I wish I could say there weren’t.”

“Oh excellent” continued Roderich “After what you said, I was worried that something had happened to prevent them from doing their good work.”

“I could hardly say that they do good work” protested the man “Many of the inmates die before they ever step outside. Many of them are children!”

“Then let them die” growled Roderich “and decrease the surplus population.”

“But Mr Edelstein!” cried the man “Taking care of our neighbours is our responsibility!”

“It is our responsibility, to not interfere in our neighbour’s business” growled Roderich “Good day to you.”

At this point the man and the lady realised it was useless to stay any longer and they departed hastily. Roderich returned to his work, his temper much improved.

Meanwhile, outside the darkness continued to descend. In the main-street a crowd of people watched anxiously as workers placed the last finishing touches to the large tree in the centre of the square. Everyone from the mayor to the homeless man who lived in the corner was hoping that the lights would work; there had been two power failures already and this was their last chance before Christmas Day itself. At last the workers stood back and the mayor switched the power on. And oh my, what a dazzling sight! The tree shone with a thousand lights that seemed to twinkle like the night sky. A cheer went up from the crowd and friends and strangers alike hugged each other. Someone started up a carol and soon the crowd was trotting along home or to the neighbouring pub to the tune of “O Christmas Tree” Many hours later the mayor and the lead construction worker could be seen staggering arm in arm along through the streets, still singing that sweet old song.

At long last, the hour came where Roderich stood to close up the office. The clerk hastily closed the blinds and switched off the heating, before reaching for his scarf.

“You’ll be wanting the day off tomorrow I suppose” said Roderich.

“If it’s not too much trouble Mr Edelstein.”

“It is far too much trouble. If I were to withhold your wages for it, you would think yourself cheated would you not?”

The clerk smiled and made a weak, non-committal shrug.

“However, you do not think me cheated when I pay you a day’s wages for no work.”

“It’s only once a year” observed the clerk.”

“A pitiful excuse” said Roderich as he shrugged on his coat. “But I suppose it must be done; make sure you’re here an hour earlier next morning to make up for it.”

The clerk promised to do so and left the office with only an old rain jacket to protect him from the elements, for he had no coat. He skidded merrily down the street to catch the bus that would take him home, where his husband and children were waiting for him.

{Spoiler}
You will need plain flour, rice flour, caster sugar, salt and butter.



Preheat your oven to 150^oC that's 302 fahrenheit for you people who aren't fans of the metric system



Grease the baking trays, you'll probably need two.



Sift 225g (8oz) of the flour into your mixing bowel



And do the exact same thing with 115g (4oz) of rice flour



and then 115g (4oz) of that sugary goodness



Add a pinch of salt and that's all your dry ingredients



So now you weigh out 225g (8oz) of butter, all you healthy people may leave now



Now the butter needs to be at room temperature, so put it in the microwave for 20 seconds, and re-warm your tea at the same time



Then toss that butter in with your dry ingredients and start rubbing it together with your fingers, don't forget to wash your hands before you do this!



the resulting mixture should be sticky and doughy, it's now ready for rolling.



Sprinkle flour on your rolling surface and on your rolling pin, this will stop the dough from sticking.



then you roll that dough! Show it who's boss! Flatten it as thin as you like.



Get your Dr Who cookie cutters and sprinkle flour on them too



Press them in...



and put them on the baking trays.



make little holes in the dough with a fork, this stops it from exploding or something apparently. Then into the oven for 40 minutes.



While you're waiting you can wash up.



finish your tea



and pat you kitty <3


When the shortbread is done you take it out of the oven (don't burn yourself) and let the biscuits cool for a while.

Vola!