Post by Feliks Łukasiewicz on Apr 21, 2013 9:48:39 GMT -8
So I subjected myself to this horrible, horrible million-word-fanfic about a really nasty main character invading the Naruto-verse. I don't know anything about Naruto, and I'm really not sure why I read this. However, I kept wanting to take it apart... so I enlisted my two Hetalia muses and one original character from another fandom--she'll explain what she is once you meet her--to make fun of it. It's funny, or at least I think it is, but I want to warn anyone who may need the warning that this is a very hateful story that they're taking apart. Also, there's cursing. A lot of cursing, but I blacked it out. If you really want to know which words he's using, you can highlight. There's a more detailed warning within the sporking, but it's after something pretty cruel so I wanted to give y'all a heads-up. Enjoy!
Three figures sit on logs casually arranged around a little clearing in the middle of a forest. The tallest is a slim young man with shoulder-length blonde hair, dressed in a beige schoolgirl-type sweater and skirt ensemble, who is leaning back on his hands. His ankles are crossed neatly in front of him, showing off his maryjane shoes with the white socks. At first his eyes are closed, but when he opens them to look into the fire in the center of the clearing it becomes apparent that they are bright green and deceptively blank.
The shortest in the clearing is a little redheaded boy who could hardly be more than thirteen, with alert mahogany eyes peering out at everything from beneath the hood of his brown parka. Idly, without looking at his hands because he is so busy watching everything else, he plays with a very sharp-looking knife that has almost entirely been cleaned of bloodstains.
Between the two males with respect to height is a blue torbie catgirl with slitted green eyes. Her human hair is even longer than her thick, Maine Coon-like feline fur, but it is the same mottled pattern of blue-gray, silver, and light gold. The simple dress she is wearing bears a more artificial flowery pattern in the same colors. She is a bit wary of the campfire, not quite trusting that it will stay confined, but her caution is not so excessive as to keep her from stretching out along her log to bask in the warmth.
It is the smallest of the three who breaks the silence first. With a slight but distinctive accent to his young voice, he posits, “We all know why we're here, right?”
“We do,” the tallest qualifies in a high-pitched Valley Girl drawl that matches his outfit, “but I'm not sure our audience here knows.”
The boy jumps, realizing that the audience does in fact exist. “Oh—ah—uh—Feliks, would you mind—?”
With a grin, the young man tosses his hair out of the way and obliges, officially beginning the broadcast that has gotten off to such an awkward start.
FELIKS: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the sporking ground! I'm Feliks Łukasiewicz, also known as the totally fabulous nation of Poland, and I'm being borrowed from the Axis Powers Hetalia canon by a super-polite roleplayer for the purposes of making fun of really, really bad fanfiction!
(The camera turns to the little boy next, catching him by surprise.)
ASTRIT: Uh, and... I'm Astrit Zupan, the Republic of Kosovo. Don't believe my big sister if she tells you I don't exist. I'm a Hetalia OC created by the same roleplayer that bribed Feliks to—
FELIKS: Hey! She didn't bribe me, I showed up of my own free will and demanded that she write about me!
ASTRIT: Fine, I'm an original character created by the same roleplayer who's borrowing Feliks. I was supposed to be terrifying Lithuania right about now, but I got sick of it and decided to make this happen instead.
FELIKS (mumbling): You better leave Liet alone...
ASTRIT: I'm trying to be nice to him, okay? Not my fault that I'm showing up half-crazy from being compelled to murder another nation and he's already nervous!
(The camera hastily pans to the catgirl, leaving the boys to finish their argument in the safety of Not Hogging Screentime if they so desire.)
GOLDENPAW: And I'm Goldenpaw of RiverClan, a temporarily-part-human Warrior Cats self-insert by the same roleplayer they mentioned, and a former Mary-Sue who's gotten more flawed as our player's gotten more self-aware. For once, I'm returning to my original role as “The One Who Already Read The Book” without going back to my old characterization.
ASTRIT: Hey, why do you get to read the book ahead of time?
GOLDENPAW: Because someone had to. Please don't complain; you won't want to reread this mousedung.
FELIKS (interrupting): So, like, where do we start?
(The title and brief authorial description of the story that they are preparing to read flashes across a projection screen that has appeared near the edge of the clearing while the camera was focused on them.)
NARUTO VEANGANCE REVELAITONS
ok so this is a stori u just wrlte by me. its in NARUTO world so i hope u guys lik it ok.
(Astrit rubs his head, mumbling something about a 92% literacy rate that isn't doing him any good. Feliks looks baffled but amused. Goldenpaw appears to be praying frantically under her breath. All three of them read it over multiple times, trying to make sense of the words.)
ASTRIT: This is in English, right?
GOLDENPAW: Nominally... I'm not sure it still counts as English once you have this many mistakes, but it isn't any other language that I know of.
FELIKS (awestruck): This guy can't spell. Like, at all. And he can't, like, make a sentence make sense either.
ASTRIT: Hang on, I think that says it takes place in the Naruto universe, so why isn't Japan here to help us? None of us know anything about Naruto.
(Feliks fiddles with his hair awkwardly.)
FELIKS: I asked him. He, like, used a lot of words like “defilement” and “monstrosity” in explaining that he couldn't possibly cancel this, like, other obligation he had. I took that to mean he wasn't interested.
ASTRIT (alarmed): What about... other Naruto fans, or even some of the characters themselves?
FELIKS: They all ran and hid, the Naruto characters especially. So instead we've got two Hetalia characters who don't know, like, anything about it, and one cat.
ASTRIT: Why?
GOLDENPAW: You're about to find out.
AN: thers no dudes fucking becuase tht is fucking gross. im not a fuckin yaio faggot hees.
FELIKS: Excuse me???
GOLDENPAW: Yeah... I think now is a good time to warn you all, this is a really hateful story. This guy despises pretty much anyone who might ever have entertained the notion that they might want to sleep with him or his self-insert... and, as you will find out far too soon, he assumes that every female and every gay male who ever lived would like nothing more. He also hates everyone who might consider interfering with his quest to sleep with every girl he meets, everyone who might suggest that thinking could be a good use of his time, everyone who has religious or spiritual beliefs of any kind, everyone who follows any kind of morality, everyone who isn't actively opposed to the very existence of religion, everyone who has the slightest modicum of respect for anyone who isn't him, and everyone who suggests that he isn't perfect in every way. So in other words, he hates almost everyone, and even the ones he tolerates are subject to constant testing to ensure that they haven't formed any opinions or attractions that he doesn't like. It's disgusting, all the more so because he doesn't realize how horrible he is. Consider yourselves warned.
FELIKS (cringing): I've only seen four sentences of his writing and I've already decided that he's lower than Belarus on my list of people to sleep with.
GOLDENPAW: Belarus?
FELIKS: Belarus broke every bone in Liet's fingers the time he went on a date with her.
GOLDENPAW: And how did you find out about this?
FELIKS: Liet came home with his hand, like, mangled...
GOLDENPAW: And where was his head while all this was happening?
FELIKS: Like... attached to his neck?
GOLDENPAW: Belarus is probably a safer lover than this guy.
(Feliks and Astrit stare in shock for a long moment before finding the words to speak again.)
FELIKS: That's, like...
ASTRIT: That's not possible. What... it can't really be like that, right?
GOLDENPAW: We've only gotten as far as the title page. You should see the actual story. In fact, let's call that up now.
NARUTO: venganse revelatipns
CHAPTER ONE:new power
CHAPTER ONE:new power
FELIKS: What a totally inspired title. He even managed to misspell it differently this time!
ASTRIT: What do these titles even mean? “Vengeance Revelations,” if that's what he's actually trying to say, is kind of obscure unless there are a lot of revenge plots that get shockingly revealed—
GOLDENPAW: —Which there aren't—
ASTRIT: And “new power?” That could mean just about anything.
it was five days after i left my home for the villafe of Konohagakure nd when i got there i met a girl who was realy hot her name was sakura i also met this her friends naruto sasuke and kakashi they called themselve team 7.
FELIKS: Whoaaa, it's, like, the sentence that never ends.
ASTRIT: He's meeting this “hot girl” and he doesn't describe her? It's only the first sentence, but since he's crammed so much into it already, why not give us more to go with the five or six names he's already dropped than one “realy hot?”
FELIKS: Like, totally. It could almost be a good opening sentence, except he kept going sooooo much longer after he needed to cut it off and explain what this Konohagakure place is. I mean, it's all probably from the Naruto canon so he probably assumes we all know what they all look like, but can't he, like, give his impressions of the place? Or is “hot girl” the only detail he cares about?
anyway my name is ronan beelzub. i a 13 years old and have just come to the town. i am 6" tall and hav dark blue hair dat looks like justin beibers hiar (i dont liek him tho FUCK HIM HE SUCKS ALL MODERN MUSIC FUCKING SUCKS). i am very muscula r and have 28' around biceps and hiuge pecx and then i also have a huge dick its almost 2 fet long and realy fat plus i cum a lot ok).
ASTRIT: Wait, he's the same age as I look like? And where does that name come from? And why is he describing himself in so much detail when he can't be bothered to describe all the stuff he's seeing for the first time? And why is he styling his hair to match some musician he apparently can't stand?
FELIKS: What a way to describe himself. I'll give you he's thirteen and apparently has hormones, like, leaking out of his ears, but most thirteen-year-olds don't introduce themselves by penis size. Seems like he's using American measurements for it; what would all that translate to?
GOLDENPAW: Well, a single apostrophe is the notation for feet, and the double means inches. Twelve inches to a foot, and one inch is about as long as your thumbprint—or roughly two and a half centimeters if you want a metric equivalent—
ASTRIT: Wait, you said the single apostrophe stands for feet?
GOLDENPAW: Yes?
ASTRIT: ...He used the double apostrophe for his height. Six inches. How tall is that?
(Goldenpaw stares at the screen for a long moment, then bursts out laughing.)
GOLDENPAW: Six inches tall. Six inches tall. That would be closer to the length of your hand. And I see he made the opposite mistake for his arms; twenty-eight feet is absurdly huge. That one would probably be easier to understand if we did the math to figure out the other dimensions of his biceps... Feliks, if we assume his muscles are circular?
FELIKS: If C=2πr, and C=28, then r≈4.456, or a little less than four and a half feet.
GOLDENPAW: A little less than four and a half feet. That's how tall Astrit is. And that's only the radius—this guy is claiming that his biceps are twice the height of our sporker of the same physical age, all attached to a six-inch-tall body. That's patently absurd. I think we can safely assume he meant it the other way around, and he's supposed to be six feet tall with nine-inch-wide arms. Which makes him a head taller than Feliks, and still with unusually big muscles but not to the point that his arms are eighteen times the height of his body.
i was realy ecited about moving to a new town becaus se i wuld finaly have sum new pusy to fuck havin hav sex with all da otter girls in my old town.
GOLDENPAW: Oh, boy. Here we go.
FELIKS: Otter girls? What kind of town does he come from?
ASTRIT: How come he's managed to have sex with all the girls in his hometown, but I'm still a virgin even though I'm really six hundred years old?
FELIKS: If a guy brags like that, you can be pretty sure of one of two things: either he's just totally lying, or there's something he isn't being picky enough about. If you have a whole town, not every girl could possibly be attractive to him. Not every girl could possibly be attracted to him. There would have to be girls who were, like, too old or too young or too faithful to someone else or just plain not interested or whatever. So he's probably either lying or doing something really wrong, though maybe the “otter girls” part was supposed to mean something to make that better.
GOLDENPAW: Plus, this guy is the idealized self-insert of a bad writer obsessed with sex, and you are a character in a horror setting whose roleplayer is fond enough of you to give you every chance you can get. Innocent young virgins last longer in horror stories.
since i was yu ng i knew i was specal becuae i could shot dark blu tlight outta my hands. it blew holes in stuff and was realy powerful, but i didnt show anybody it becauz i was afraid dey wouldnt understand it and because i.
GOLDENPAW (announcer voice): Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mary-Sue!
ASTRIT: He didn't show anyone his powerful laser hands because he was afraid people wouldn't understand, and because. Either he's keeping it a secret on a whim, even though he also has a reason to go with his no reason, or he just forgot about this sentence halfway through.
the new ton was so diffent because it was japan and im not japanese im american and hapan is different from america tho this wasnt realy japan it was one of the shinobi natons. but i was so cool becauze the girl all sexy and shit and i wanted to fuck them and their dripping wet pussies.
FELIKS: Finally! Some description! Even if it doesn't make sense! Like, at all! It's totally Japan except not!
ASTRIT: Don't get me wrong—I like America and all—but why is this guy American? And who wants to bet he's going to act like the worst of his country and forget he's not in America anyway?
GOLDENPAW: All bets are off. He remembers that Japan is a thing about twice, and even then all he does is substitute in long strings of vaguely-Japanese-like sounds for names.
ASTRIT: Speaking of names, we've just learned that he's American and he calls himself “Ronan Beelzub.” Is that a common name in America?
GOLDENPAW: Not at all. Nobody has names like that in America. And at only two paragraphs in, already I'm sick of him talking about girls that way.
FELIKS: Two paragraphs? When did we get into the second paragraph, and why haven't we had, like, three already?
GOLDENPAW: That last excerpt was the second paragraph. Everything before that was the first. There's really no point to keeping track of them, either; like the sentences, they're just muddled together and cut apart without respect to what's actually in them.
i waz wuring a realy big black cloak and den had a red shoe on and then a bigchain on my neck and around my waist and also had a headband (LIKE THE ONE IN THE SHOW EXCEPT MINE GLOWS BLUE AROUND IT ND HAs knives in it).
FELIKS: Is he wearing a black cloak and red shoes, or does he have a red shoe motif on his cloak? It's, like, impossible to tell.
ASTRIT: It's just a coincidence that he didn't mention a shirt or pants, right? We are supposed to assume he's wearing them, right?
GOLDENPAW: There's no telling. Also, notice the headband, which is exactly “like the one in the show except” it has special added features. That's another sign that we're dealing with a Mary-Sue, if we didn't know already.
when i got out of our hummer sakura and her friends were shocked to see me becauz of the headband they were like "omg i cant believe this u must be one of us. we have a lot to tell you so please cum on the temple over thar and we can do it". then my headband gowed and tey all gasped "how is this possible i can sense u have much powr 2 show us so cum over to that temple and i will show you everything including our" she said.
ASTRIT: The only ones he ever notices are himself and the girl, who also seems to have been infected by leaving-the-sentence-halfway-through disease. And how did they manage to say “cum on the temple over thar and we can do it” without noticing the problem?
GOLDENPAW: That might have been on purpose. It's hard to tell.
FELIKS: And his car is a Hummer. Of course. Because bragging about his literal penis was waaay too subtle.
then i took of my headband the knives grew out and they said "u r very special and have powers greater than our own wen u com to the temple ova ther we will be strong and then a huge SNAKE FELL FROM THE BLACK sky IT WaS OCHIMURA!
FELIKS: Well, that sentence ended in a totally different place than it started.
ASTRIT (fondling his knife): Why does he have knives growing out of his headband? Sounds like a good way to get stabbed in the head, and a headband full of knives would be really hard to use as a weapon.
GOLDENPAW: So... now we know the sky is black here. Is it the middle of the night? Did the sky start out a different color and turn black for the introduction of the huge falling snake? Sadly, this never gets answered.
they told me2 s tand back becus i cldnt not handke this so they fught as hard as they guld using their ninja powers but one by one they were deafeted. first sasuke then kakashi then naruto and then sakura. when he had sakura i shouted "let HER GO YOIU MONSTER."
GOLDENPAW (rolling her eyes): He only cares about saving the girl, even though she's apparently the most competent among her friends. I really don't understand this guy's attitude towards girls.
FELIKS: Do you not have this problem where you come from?
GOLDENPAW: I may be acting as a self-insert for our roleplayer, but I come from a society of fairly civilized feral cats. We really don't distinguish between toms and she-cats for... basically, anything. Toms can't give birth or nurse kits, for obvious biological reasons, and we generally prefer that our leaders not be nursing mothers because they need to have the time and energy to run the Clan. That's about it for making distinctions. Duties are given out based on who will do them best, and we're well aware that gender isn't what makes a good hunter, or a good fighter, or a good leader, or a good healer. So it confuses me that here we're looking at a situation where the girl keeps fighting longer than any of the boys, yet this guy reacts as if she's a helpless damsel in distress.
ASTRIT (staring at the screen): I just realized, they said in the very last excerpt that his powers were greater than theirs, and then a second later they're telling him that he won't be as able to handle this as they are. Isn't that... a little bit backwards?
allf of a sudden my eyes turned blue and i began to float my powers were taking hold of me and they were all shocked. i grew 10 feet taller and began to fighrt orichimaura as best i could saving sakura and blasting him with hot beams of blue light. sakura fell and i caught her by saving her and orcimaru felt to te ground badly heart and then i waved my hands with blue light shooting out and he was lifted up and thrown and hurt badly. i flew over to him and roared at him he was scared. everybody else was amazing i did this and he was too but he said "u are not as powerugfukl as you think i will be back youl see and ull die" amd then he vanished!1!
ASTRIT:...Yup. They'd got it backwards. And he proves it with a really terrible battle scene. Even the bad guy is amazed.